(As the academics put it: Part of this email discusses the etymology and application of a selection of words that, to varying degrees, can be considered vulgar or offensive. As a necessity, this entails the use of said words, and it is strongly advised that, should you find such words distressing or inappropriate, you do not read on beyond this point.

For the rest of you, enjoy...)

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Gidday,

I'm now back on my feet. Well, on my computer chair, anyway.

A nasty bug attacked me. I'm pretty sure it wasn't bird flu because I didn't grow feathers or anything, but if the bark-like cough I got is any indication, I shouldn't have patted that dog a few days ago!

No, the dog wasn't a Rottweiler. It was a Labrador. Labradors let you keep your hand. Admittedly, it's a well-licked hand by the time you get it back, but it's still attached.

I tell you, I was terribly sick. I was so hot, I only needed to stand under the fire sprinkler to get a cooling shower.

But now that I’m feeling a bit better, I’m back into the essential things in life like reading my horoscope.

And my horoscope for today was very interesting today. It said: “If you want to increase your income, you have to have more faith in your creative abilities. Conventional wisdom says that artistic types are destined to starve, but this is completely wrong. There are plenty of examples of folks who earn a nice profit from their handiwork. Why should you be any different? Put your imagination to work.”

So, how can I ignore this advice? With this encouragement I immediately sat down and started to write this great novel in which Muhammad didn’t die but shifted to Utah in America and had 93 children to 74 wives. However, I thought a book like this might upset a few people and I’d hate a suicide bomber to come to my front door. After all, loud noises annoy the little old lady next door.

So I decided to write a book about swearing, instead. I’ve read that learning the art of swearing is one of the hardest things for people who speak English as a second language. And lots of international pupils come to New Zealand and have great difficulty learning New Zealand swear words and how to swear properly, I read recently.

So I'll write a book on swearing. How about that?! A book completely full of swear words! Billy Connolly would approve!

Having started looking at the subject, I find that it is actually very interesting. Swear words are very versatile. They can be used to insult, or used affectionately or even admiringly. For example, someone may say that a person is a stupid bastard and that’s an insult. But someone can also admiringly be called a clever bastard.

And the actual meaning of a swear word is often lost in general use. For example, if someone is fucking good, he or she may not necessarily be a good lover.

Indeed, that word "fuck" is very interesting.

Here’s the book entry for Fuck.

Fuck – Although the narrow definition of the word “fuck” is to have sexual intercourse, fuck has now become probably the foremost swear word in New Zealand. It is, however, a very old word. Indeed, records from as early as 1278 list a man called John Le-Fucker. Since people in those days usually had names to do with their occupations, ones mind boggles.

It is known that the word “fuck” was in common usage by the 16th Century because, in 1598 it appeared in John Florio's dictionary called “A World of Words”. It later became a vulgar term and was even banned from the Oxford English Dictionary.

In 1928, in his book “Lady Chatterly's Lover”, DH Lawrence was the first author to use the word accurately and in context in a serious (non-pornographic) book. Not that this helped him much since the book was banned for over thirty years. However, in the early 1960s, several court cases established the right of publishers to publish the book. And with the book’s publication came the first time the word “fuck” had been legally used in print.

Not all people are happy to use the word in print, however. It is often shortened to just 'Eff', as in the phrase “effing twit’ used to describe some stupid person.

In his book “The Naked and the Dead”, cowardly American author, Norman Mailer used the word 'fug' instead of “fuck”. But he got his own. Not long after his book was published, the famous US wit Dorothy Parker met him at a party, and said to him, “So, you're the young man who can't spell fuck”

Fuck has been recognised as one of the most versatile words in the English.

It can be used as a verb both transitive (John fucked Janet) and intransitive (Janet was fucked by John).

It can be an action verb (Janet really gives a fuck), a passive verb (John really doesn't give a fuck), and adverb (Janet is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Janet is a terrific fuck).

It can also be used as an interjection (Fuck! Janet’s two months late!). It can even be used as a conjunction (Janet is easy, fuck she's also stupid). [Political correctness should perhaps see that read: “John is easy, fuck he's also stupid”.}

As you can see, “fuck” is very versatile. It can be used in many situations.

It can be used in greetings ("How the fuck are ya?"), fraud ("I was fucked by someone on EBay."), resignation ("Oh, fuck it!"), trouble (“Hell, I'm fucked now."), aggression ("FUCK YOU!"), disgust ("Fuck me."), confusion ("What the fuck...?"), difficulty ("What the fucking shit does this mean?!"), pleasure (“This is fucking nice!), displeasure ("Fucking shit man..."), lost ("Where the fuck are we?"), disbelief ("UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"), denial ("I didn't fucking do it!"), perplexity ("I know fuck all about it."), apathy (I don’t give a fuck.”), suspicion ("Who the fuck are you?"), panic ("Let's get the fuck out of here!"), and directions ("Fuck off.").

It can also be an anatomical description ("He's a fucking arsehole."), or used to tell the time ("Its five fucking thirty.")

Lastly, it has been rumoured to have been used by many notable people throughout history:

"What the fuck was that?"
--Mayor of Hiroshima--

"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?"
--General Custer--

"Heads are going to fucking roll!"
--Anne Boleyn--

"It fucking does look like her!"
--Picasso—

"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?"
--Captain of the Titanic—

"Fuck a duck."
--Walt Disney--

"Light-fucking-rain my arse."
--Noah—

Ah yes, book writing is lots of fun sometimes…