Monday, July 17, 2006

Today I was writing about Jane Campion, the film director, as part of a series of books I’m writing on famous New Zealanders. As you may know, Jane made the film "Angel At My Table" about New Zealand author Janet Frame.

In the process of my research, I discovered to my surprise that Janet Frame received two hundred electroshock treatments in her eight years in mental institutions. But it was her writing that gave doctors second thoughts about whether she belonged in a hospital, and she was released just in the nick of time, having been short-listed for a lobotomy.

Well, this all got mentioned in the book, so then I had to define lobotomy in the Glossary as most kids wouldn’t know what a lobotomy is.

Looking up lobotomy proved to be fun!

I came upon a site that was very anti-psychiatry but also full of useful information.

Lobotomy is “a surgical incision into the frontal lobe of the brain to sever one or more nerve tracts, a technique formerly used to treat certain mental disorders but now rarely performed. Lobotomy refers to the surgical cutting of nerve connections between the frontal lobes and the rest of the brain. The frontal lobes are unique to human beings and are the seat of the higher functions such as love, concern for others, empathy, self-insight, creativity, initiative, autonomy, rationality, abstract reasoning, judgement, future planning, foresight, will-power, determination, and concentration. Without the frontal lobes it is impossible to be "human" in the fullest sense of the word; they are required for a civilised, effective, mature life. Depending on the amount of damage done, the effect can be partial or relatively complete. In a complete lobotomy, the patient becomes obviously demented with loss of all higher mental functions.”

The “fun” bit was that the lobotomy technique was invented by Portuguese neurosurgeon Egas Moniz in 1935 who used to stab a long, thin blade into the brains of his victims through holes drilled in their skulls. In an ironic testimony to the failings of the technique, Moniz was shot and paralysed by one of his lobotomy victims in 1939 and, in 1955, was beaten to death by another.

Ah yes, writing kids’ books is a real education….

I mean, all of Jane Campion’s movies are erotic films, either erotic dramas or erotic thrillers.

I discovered her signature on one website. Surprise, surprise, the lower zones of her writing indicate a vivid erotic imagination!

Ah yes, it’s fascinating writing kids’ books.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Being a motorcycle safety expert who appears on TV can be a problem at times.

More than seven years ago I was interviewed by TV1. It was an interesting interview. They actually had the interviewer interviewing me from the pillion seat of my very rare Bennelli Jarno motorcycle as we rode along. The cameraperson, a rather gorgeous lady, lay in the back of the TV1 stationwagon driving ahead of us to film us as we tootled along at about 30kmh talking.

Then they wanted shots from the bike itself, so they put the camera lady on the back. To hold the camera steady, she rested the camera on my shoulder and leaned into me. The weight on my shoulder was no problem. But those seemingly ample breasts of hers pressing into my back sure as hell made concentrating on riding difficult!

In the process of this filming ride, we went past a 50kmh speed limit sign. When the interview was aired on TV what should come up but the 50kmh speed limit sign …and was that speedo needle, also visible, sitting on 70kmh?

Then they did some shots from the side of the road of me riding past.

An interesting experience but that was yesterday’s news.

But was it?

Last night, the fifth item on TV1 news was a story about speeding motorcyclists in Otago, some doing nearly 300kmh. And they showed one such speeding motorcyclist. Trouble was, as numerous phone calls today have proven, the film of the “speeding” motorcyclist was archival footage and it was of me, on my unique motorcycle in my unique golfball crash helmet (special dimples on it to aid air flow) and wearing my impossible-to-miss special blue and white leathers.

Yep. That “speeding” motorcyclist was me tootling along at about 60kmh.

I have since rung Bill Ralston, Head Of News at TV1 and, after he stopped laughing about the idea of a motorcycle safety expert being the “speeding” motorcyclist, he promised to make sure that they use that particular piece of archival footage more carefully next time. Harrumph!

Well, in need of some light relief after that, I then went to NZDating today to check whether any deliciously wealthy good-looking widow had sent me a message (zippo again. ~sigh~). On the opening page I noticed an advert for a 34 year old Argentinian now living in Auckland.

You know me, with my wickedness I just couldn’t resist it. So I sent her a message:

===========================

You know, sending messages to foreign-type people on dating sites ain't easy. I mean, what do you say.

I know, I’ll tell some jokes:
Q: How does an Argentinian commit suicide? A: He jumps off his ego

Or:
The President of Brazil was sitting in his office wondering who to annoy next when his telephone rang.

"Hello! Mr. President," said a man with an Argentinian accent. "This is the Argentinian President. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Mr President," the President of Brazil replied, "This is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," said the Argentinian President after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Jorge, my next door neighbour Carlos, and the entire football team from the pub - that makes eight!"

The President of Brazil sighed. "I must tell you Mr President that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Oh!" said the Argentinian President, "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day the Argentinian President rang back. "Right, Mr.President, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Mr President?" the President of Brazil asked.

"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Iglesias’ tractor from the farm."

Once more the President of Brazil sighed. "I must tell you, Mr President, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armoured personnel carriers, and my army has increased to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Really?!" said the Argentinian President "I'll have to ring you back!"

The Argentinian President rang again the next day. "Right Mr. Brazilian President, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Carlos' ultralight with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the women’s spinning circle team has joined us as well!"

The President of Brazil was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Mr Argentinian President that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MiG 19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."

"Oh my heavens!" said the Argentinian President, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the Argentinian President called again the next day. "Right, Mr.Brazilian President, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said the President of Brazil. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said the Argentinian President "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners."


Nah, it's all too difficult. I think I'll stick to Kiwi women. They are so much easier to offend.

--
Allan

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With any luck she’ll not know enough English swear words to reply to me.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

I have a motorcycle. A sports-style motorcycle. As is common on these bikes, the petrol tank rises sharply in front of the seat to make a wall directly in front of the rider's groin.

I pranged off the bike once. Ran into a ditch at about 120kmh. The bike stopped dead. I went forward, then over the handlebars.

I staggered to my feet unhurt. Or was I unhurt? I had a VERY sore groin!

Two days later and my ex was enjoying sex immensely. She'd never done it with a black man before. Black penis, black balls. Even when it didn't hurt any more.

And in case you were wondering, it caused not major damage. I fathered a child some years after that...