Being a motorcycle safety expert who appears on TV can be a problem at times.

More than seven years ago I was interviewed by TV1. It was an interesting interview. They actually had the interviewer interviewing me from the pillion seat of my very rare Bennelli Jarno motorcycle as we rode along. The cameraperson, a rather gorgeous lady, lay in the back of the TV1 stationwagon driving ahead of us to film us as we tootled along at about 30kmh talking.

Then they wanted shots from the bike itself, so they put the camera lady on the back. To hold the camera steady, she rested the camera on my shoulder and leaned into me. The weight on my shoulder was no problem. But those seemingly ample breasts of hers pressing into my back sure as hell made concentrating on riding difficult!

In the process of this filming ride, we went past a 50kmh speed limit sign. When the interview was aired on TV what should come up but the 50kmh speed limit sign …and was that speedo needle, also visible, sitting on 70kmh?

Then they did some shots from the side of the road of me riding past.

An interesting experience but that was yesterday’s news.

But was it?

Last night, the fifth item on TV1 news was a story about speeding motorcyclists in Otago, some doing nearly 300kmh. And they showed one such speeding motorcyclist. Trouble was, as numerous phone calls today have proven, the film of the “speeding” motorcyclist was archival footage and it was of me, on my unique motorcycle in my unique golfball crash helmet (special dimples on it to aid air flow) and wearing my impossible-to-miss special blue and white leathers.

Yep. That “speeding” motorcyclist was me tootling along at about 60kmh.

I have since rung Bill Ralston, Head Of News at TV1 and, after he stopped laughing about the idea of a motorcycle safety expert being the “speeding” motorcyclist, he promised to make sure that they use that particular piece of archival footage more carefully next time. Harrumph!

Well, in need of some light relief after that, I then went to NZDating today to check whether any deliciously wealthy good-looking widow had sent me a message (zippo again. ~sigh~). On the opening page I noticed an advert for a 34 year old Argentinian now living in Auckland.

You know me, with my wickedness I just couldn’t resist it. So I sent her a message:

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You know, sending messages to foreign-type people on dating sites ain't easy. I mean, what do you say.

I know, I’ll tell some jokes:
Q: How does an Argentinian commit suicide? A: He jumps off his ego

Or:
The President of Brazil was sitting in his office wondering who to annoy next when his telephone rang.

"Hello! Mr. President," said a man with an Argentinian accent. "This is the Argentinian President. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Mr President," the President of Brazil replied, "This is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?"

"At this moment in time," said the Argentinian President after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Jorge, my next door neighbour Carlos, and the entire football team from the pub - that makes eight!"

The President of Brazil sighed. "I must tell you Mr President that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Oh!" said the Argentinian President, "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day the Argentinian President rang back. "Right, Mr.President, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Mr President?" the President of Brazil asked.

"Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Iglesias’ tractor from the farm."

Once more the President of Brazil sighed. "I must tell you, Mr President, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armoured personnel carriers, and my army has increased to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Really?!" said the Argentinian President "I'll have to ring you back!"

The Argentinian President rang again the next day. "Right Mr. Brazilian President, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Carlos' ultralight with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the women’s spinning circle team has joined us as well!"

The President of Brazil was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Mr Argentinian President that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MiG 19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million."

"Oh my heavens!" said the Argentinian President, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the Argentinian President called again the next day. "Right, Mr.Brazilian President, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said the President of Brazil. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said the Argentinian President "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners."


Nah, it's all too difficult. I think I'll stick to Kiwi women. They are so much easier to offend.

--
Allan

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With any luck she’ll not know enough English swear words to reply to me.