Saturday, August 26, 2006

I have had to go and buy myself a new teapot. My previous one took exception to being dropped on a concrete floor, albeit covered with lino. It ended up in little pieces except that the spout was intact. I couldn't help thinking that it looked like a teapot that had been attacked by Lorena Bobbett.

So off I went to the Wharehouse. But they only had metal teapots. Yeeeeech! Then again, maybe their buyers live in modern houses with concrete floors. But tea doesn't taste the same out of a metal teapot. Oh, the irony. (Er, excuse that. I just couldn't resist it.)

So I wandered off to Farmers and they only had big teapots. Bachelors like I only need a little teapot. Otherwise we slosh when we walk. And, before too long, walk rather strangely.

So then I went along to Inside Out. Inside Out had a Closing Down sale in progress. They kept telling me that it was going to take them three months to close. All I can say is that those doors must be very heavy! Anyway, with the sale going on, a lot of stock was on trestle tables on the footpath outside the shop. So the shop truly was Inside Out.

Now, the only small teapot on sale in the shop had a lid without a knob on it. A knob is very important. Just ask any housewife who knows her jollies.

So I pointed this out to the lady in the shop and she said that the reason the lid didn't have a knob on was because it was a Herb teapot.

I just had to point out then that I wasn't a Herb but an Allan and did she have a better-named one.

She just laughed. It's terrible when the legitimate concerns of a customer are treated so frivolously like this. So she pointed to a larger teapot and said: "There's this one."

I said it was too large and she said she liked a large one. I was tempted, truly tempted, but I didn't say anything...

So, faced with Hobson’s choice (or is that Herb’s choice) I bought the one with the funny lid. I have just used it and I have discovered that if you put your finger on the lid to stop the lid falling off as you pour, your finger gets burned. Do you too get the feeling that one has a Herb’s choice here? Get burned by the teapot or by the tea as the lid falls into it.

~sigh~ All this buying of domestic equipment is just so difficult for a mere bachelor like me.

--
Allan

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Are you awake? Has daylight saving affected you so badly you are now a walking around feeling like you have jetlag? Join the clan!

Hey, I went into the Wharehouse today to buy a third wheel for my trailer. Well, it could be useful if the car broke down...

And while I was in there I saw a sign that said "Buy Two And Get One Free". Now, that sort of sign should be outlawed. People of Scottish heritage like me are rendered helpless by those signs. The items being referred to were CDs so, since I like buying CDs to listen to while I work, I wandered across and found three that looked OK. One was a New Zealand Christmas CD but I thought: "Why not?!"

Another was the best of Savage Garden (I think the band members were rose enthusiasts) and the last bore naked women all over it and was called Lounge Deluxe. So I bought it. For the music only, of course.

Then I went looking for the trailer wheel. I couldn't find it and neither could a Wharehouse staff member. So she went looking to see "if there are any on the computer". Why they put them on the computer I know not. Why put them there? Why not just put them on the shelves with the rest of the stuff?

Anyway, after the lady had gone away to peer on top of the computer, I had another look down the Car Accessories aisle and, hey presto, there hidden away in a nondescript cardboard box was what they called Trailer Jacks.

So off I wander to the checkout to buy the stuff. After I'd paid my money, I had a sudden thought. "Did I get one of these CDs for free?" I asked. I know the Wharehouse by now.

"No", says the checkout lady.

"But they were buy two and get one free."

"You'll have to go and see the service centre," I was told.

So grumbling mightily I headed to the Service Centre where the nice lady fluffed around equaly mightily for five minutes and I got a $3 refund. "You made 3 cents on that" she said, "since the CD actually costs $2.97".

I tried to look duly grateful but I was thinking: "I've wasted all this time for $3!" That Scottish ancestry has a lot to answer for at times...

So I went home and put the CDs on to play. Of course, the New Zealand Christmas one won't even play. The CD player just keeps searching for the start of the tracks! And guess which one it was. Yes, the $2.97 one.... ~sigh~ It's gotta be something to do with daylight saving!

But there is a bright side to the story. The CD by Savage Garden is a very nice CD indeed. A sort of mix between easy listening and classical. Great background music when one is working.

And the naked lady one? Very modern New Age-type music. And not an orgasmic moan in it. Bugger!

--
Allan

Thursday, August 17, 2006

My friends say my replies to their emails can often be entertaining ...

Part of the email I received
> Working, puppy-sitting, cafe for dinner with some friends, reading,
> household executiving, popping up to Paraparaumu to see mama, oh, and
> the odd vino thrown in as well.....
>
> and you?????


My reply
Well, I'm not puppy sitting. The SPCA gets so silly when you sit on 'em, but how else do you keep them from being so boisterous?

I don't think I'll go to a café for dinner. Their menus are always in French and when you order something exotic you end up with a plate of wedges, or a bacon and egg sandwich or something.

I won't be reading, either. Well, other than what I write.

As for household executiving... I've given that sort of thing up. I've always said that a dusty carpet discourages ants, especially those that suffer from hay fever.

But I'd like to see you popping up to Paraparaumu. Or is that *hear* you popping up to Paraparaumu? I dunno why you don't just get your car tuned. And you have a mother? Never admit that to a man. If they are at all interested, they immediately have to deal with the idea of a mother-in-law!

Finally, if you are going to partake of the odd vino (and some of them can be VERY odd) just don't drink and drive. Drink *before* you drive or after it, but not while driving. Those cup holders in a car are never big enough to hold the wine bottle, which is a real nuisance when you want to put it down to give the fingers to a policeman.

But, it sounds like you are going to have a fun weekend.

Me, I'm just going to sit at home finishing and assembling my Hot Air Balloon book. Don't writers have an exciting life?!

--
Allan

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

When I get bored, I entertain myself by going onto a dating site and sending funny introductory messages to appropriate-looking women on the site.

Usually you don’t get any reply. Sometimes they get all nasty because the sensitive things think that you are poking fun at them. ~sigh~

Sometimes you get a reply and you can make some great friends.

Sometimes it gets downright strange.

I came upon a profile for a lady who, in the space for what she wanted in the way of a man, wrote:
“No bullies, no red-necks, no right-wingers.
Apparently you don't exist, so I shall leave this space in peace.
Feel free to sit for a while and meditate.”


I couldn’t resist that. So I sent her a message:
“Ahem...

I've finished meditating. Now what do I do?

Geez, I've always loved forceful women. Especially when they are someone else's girlfriend.

Your profile was ... er .... unusual. So I just couldn't resist sending you a message.

Oh, and the "Block" button is the third line down..”

--
Allan


That’s when the fun started. Because she actually replied:
"Hi there,

Thanks for contacting me. Accidentally I deleted your letter, because it was hidden in amongst the junk mail, and I was in a mood for a clean-out of my inbox, so I don't recall what you said, but I'm sure it wasn't as mindless as the usual approach.

I no longer dare to imagine there is any soul mate out there in the ether for me, but am always delighted to encounter a kindred spirit or even an articulate stranger. Hope you are having a good day.

cheers

--
Kate


I couldn’t resist that! I replied:

"Darlink, have faith. There is a soul mate out there for you.

He’s probably just hiding.

Of course, he may be a sole mate rather than a soul mate in that he wears your shoes … and your knickers, bras, short skirts and anything else he can fit into while cross-dressing.

However, itwais a not a good start that you deleted my email. I spent ages writing that. Well, at least 30 minutes. Would you go for 15? OK 10. Alright, I just dashed it off hoping that it was enough to make you laugh and hit the Reply To The Message button. I succeeded!

My next task of course, should I decide to accept it, is to get you to write again. Geez, this dating site stuff is really hard, you know!

Now what can I tell you about myself to make you decide that I’m so scrumptious you just have to come out and pretend to have a coffee with me, all the while staring rapt into my blue eyes.

Maybe I should tell you that I’ve won Lotto? But, while that would be a great way, its not true. ~sigh~

Maybe I should say that I am a lovely guy, fun to be with, and a great lover? Nah, you’d want references. ~sigh~

Geez, this is all very difficult.

I know, go to my website at http://www.capitalletters.co.nz That way you are sure to be astonished at how creative I am and want to meet this man to watch him drink his Earl Grey tea out of the saucer.

Or you could just email me back with some scintillating news from your no-doubt-exciting life. Yeah, that’s a better idea! I await your reply with excitement.

--
Allan

Then things got really weird. She wrote:
Reply To Your Message
Hi, thanks for your message, this is my standard reply to intelligent, cultured people who are not of the far right political persuasion. Anyone else gets a more pithy (but still polite) response including the advice to: "go back and read the profile"!

Very nice to hear from you. You sound like my sort of person, and since you have contacted me clearly you think there might be a chance we could be kindred spirits, but I better say right now I'm only looking for friendship at this stage.

I'm getting rather tired of men here wanting to escalate into a big romance within a few hours of first starting to email each other on this site.

There's a tempting fantasy dynamic here on the online dating world, and if we buy into that, such unreasonable expectations tend to kill the possibility of any sort of amiable acquaintance developing.
I have a photo but I don't share it until I'm comfortable with how our conversation is going. Sorry but that is my strict rule, born of some experience of revealing personal details before establishing I'm dealing with someone trustworthy. The conmen and tricksters on here are very very clever, so please don't take my caution as a personal insult. The lack of a photograph and immediate supply of identity details apparently outrages some men, so it is also useful in helping me weed out the ones who are only seeking sexual relationships. Anyone genuinely interested in a friendly interaction will be willing to wait to see my face, as they'll be engaging with my intellect, and if they can't do that there is no hope of any other sort of relationship developing as I believe attraction is firstly a cerebral thing.

If I find someone who seems compatible as a friend I exchange photos and then would talk on the phone before arranging to meet in person for a coffee. That would be rare but does happen and I have friends I have met here, and I did have a more serious relationship once too.

Sorry to be so heavy on my first message to you. I don't want to waste your time or mine.

All the very best to you in finding your hearts desire, and if you wish to chat further, please feel free to message back.

I don't live in Wellington, I'm just here for the arts festival.

Cheers

--
Kate



Hey, who could resist that?! So I replied:
"Good God, darlink, that pre-recorded first message is enough to make a guy don his fireproof suit, sharpen his sword and hang his trusty crucifix around his neck in anticipation of bearding the dragon in her lair!

And the insults! Me, cultured? You think I'm growing moss or something? I do not live in a test tube. I live in a (rather cluttered) two bedroom flat that is also my office and entertainment centre (Now, now! I meant entertainment as in watching movies on DVDs ... although I like the idea of the other!)

As for kindred spirits, I don't drink 'em. I'm a problem enough when I'm sober.

Whatcha mean, you're only looking for friendships at this stage? Huh. When you get to know me and throw yourself at my feet in passionate lust, I'm gonna remind you of that! And then walk away with the nearest blonde. Of course, depending on which wig you are wearing, that may be you, but...

And you have a photo but you won't reveal it until you've got to know me? Huh, I know what is going on here! I was reading in the paper today that Catherine Zeta Jones worked anonymously as a chef recently while studying for her next part. I'll bet you're Dolly Parton. Or maybe Marilyn Munroe isn't dead!

Yep. You’re probably Marilyn Munroe. I mean, the neuroses seem to be about the same.

I mean, me a con man? Or, if it comes to that, me, clever?

Well, look, I'm sure that I can manage to talk to you without going insane from wanting to (a) see what you look like (b) take you out for a coffee or (c) make mad passionate love to you (somehow I think the latter may involve signing a five page disclaimer, anyway). No problem to me. I mean, it gives me time to do (a), (b), and (c) with all the hundreds of other women on the site who are not so repellent of my charms.

So let's start off this conversation with a lovely discussion of the arts. I've been hearing a lot about lap dancing recently. Did it eventuate from Lappland? Is that the one they do with Poles?

Hey, I love these intellectual conversations.

--
Allan


I awaited any reply with interest.

I’m still waiting….

Saturday, August 12, 2006

I got one of those silly emails that ask you to do something then send it to your friends.

Normally I just delete them but this one was fun!

------------------------------------------------------
This is fun. Hope I receive it back from you. Read through the comments below about your friend and then make sure you read the instructions at the bottom. Have fun!


1. What time is it?:
Sunset. I know that because the birds have settled into the tree over the drive and are pooping on my car.

2. Full name:
Allan Robert (Captain Spunkbubble) Kirk

3. What are you most afraid of?:
That my ex might forgive me and take me back.

4. What is the most recent movie that you've seen in a theater?:
In a theatre! Geez, I know some pictures are boring and the health service is hard up but, hell, that’s a weird way to save on anaesthetic.

5. Have you ever seen a ghost?:
Of course not. I’m no peeping Tom!

6. Where were you born?:
Lower Hutt somewhere. All I can remember is the light at the end of the tunnel.

7. Favorite food?:
Pavlova, but the cream topping doesn’t agree with me. ~sob~

8. Ever been to Alaska?:
Is this baked Alaska we’re talking about?

8 1/2. Do you have any desire to go to Alaska?:
The country?! Where it’s cold?! I have a motorcyclist friend in Alaska. *He* wants to come down here and visit *me*.

9. Ever been toilet papering?:
My toilet doesn’t have wallpaper. Just as well. Sometimes it would peel off!

9 1/2: When you dream, is it in color or black & white?:
I dream in colour, in smell, and in taste. Which is no fun if you have a nightmare about falling into a sewerage pond.

10. Loved someone so much it made you cry?:
Big boys don’t cry. But one woman has raised a sniffle or two

11. Been in a car accident?
Hasn’t everyone. I’ve been in motorcycle accidents too. They’re much more fun. You can discuss who was at fault after you’ve flown in through the windscreen.

11 1/2. Caused a car accident?:
Of course not. It was the fault of the load in the back that I looked at just as the guy in front stopped at a set of lights…

12. Croutons or bacon bits?:
What strange food are we talking about here? I’ll go for oysters. They put lead in your pencil and an aged author like me needs all the lead he can get.

13. Favorite day of the week?:
The one with a y in it

14. Favorite Restaurant?:
Ooh, this is hard (as the girl said to the sailor). Does a soup kitchen qualify? If not, I’ll go for Café Cecille.

15. Favorite Flower?:
You expect me to know the name of a flower?! How about a red hot poker. Now why did a full blooded male think of that flower…?

16. Favorite sport to watch?:
I don’t really watch sport but if women wear kilts the true Scots way, Scottish netball sounds interesting.

17. Favorite Drink?:
Tea. Earl Grey, of course.

18. Favorite ice cream?:
Kiwifruit icecream (as long as they’ve peeled the Kiwifruit first, of course.)

19. Disney OR Warner Brothers?:
They both turned down the opportunity to fund the Lord Of The Rings. I’ll go for New Line Cinema.

20. Favorite fast food restaurant?:
My place and an Irvine’s Snack meal

21. WHAT Color is your bedroom?:
With or without the light on? Green if on. Blackly grey if the light is off

22 How many times you failed your driver's test?:
None. No driver tester would want to get back in the car with me again.

23. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail?
I don’t know who he was but he said he could make my thingy so big I’ll probably need the next size of underpants

24. WHAT DO you do most often when you are bored?
Bored?

25. Who will respond to this e-mail the quickest?:
People reply to emails?!

26. Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to respond?:
Ooooooh. That’s nasty. In order to protect my male bits from attack, I refuse to answer that question

27. Who is the person that you are most curious to see their responses?:
Charlize Theron. Does anyone know her email address?

28. Favorite TV shows?:
Either the one where someone gets murdered, they shoot off guns all the time, and make
deep and meaningful statements in moments of crisis, or the comedy with these friends and they get into these funny situations and brilliantly think up funny one liners all the time and… I usually see a bit of those when I turn the TV on to watch a DVD.

29. Ford or Chevy?
Well, Harrison Ford is OK and Chevy Chase is OK but Kate Beckinsale has better boobs than either of them.

30. What are you listening to right now?:
A very laid back jazz album by Chris Rea. Yep, THAT Chris Rea

31. What are your favorite colors?:
Skin tones. Preferably female ones.

32. How many tattoos do you have?:
Do scars count?

32 1/2. Does your mom know about your tattoo (s)?:
If scars count and she does, then there *is* an afterlife!

33. How many pets do you have?:
Living with me or in their own home?

34. If you could go anywhere, where would you go?:
Around New Zealand again. If you’ve ever been here, you’ll know why.

35. What would you like to accomplish before you die?:
To get to know my youngest daughter.

37. What characteristics do your friends have to have?:
Patience and a good reading ability



RETURN DIRECTIONS: Now, here's what you're supposed to do... and please do not spoil the fun. Copy into a new email, delete answers and type in your own. Then send this to a whole bunch of people you know INCLUDING the person who sent it to you. The theory is that you will learn a lot of little known facts about those who know you. Remember to send it back to the person who sent it to you.


==========================

Ah yes, isn't email fun at times...

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Hey, I've just read on the news that the Duke of York is coming to New Zealand to visit next month. Whether or not he will have his 10,000 men with him I am not sure but, since New Zealand has 20,000 more women than men, I suspect that Kiwi women may be hoping he will...

Just so that you know, according to the news reports, the Duke will be laying a wreath at the national war memorial and the Tomb of the Unknown Warrior in Wellington. This means, of course, that the grand young Duke of York will be marching his ten thousand men up one of them Wellington hills to lay the wreath and then he'll march them down again.

So I'd suggest to any single Kiwi woman who is reading this with gleaming eyes at the thought of the opportunity to have her way with a hunky soldier that she should lie in wait somewhere about half way up that there hill. Because, by the time all of them soldiers have got all the way up and back again, they'll be so stuffed they'll be of absolutely no use to you!

Now don’t forget, and thus miss your opportunity! I have been told that these ten thousand men have admirable characteristics for ladies. Apparently, when they're up, they're up.

Although, sadly, when they are down, they are down.

And, worse still, when they are only half way up... Well, it's either a matter of changing position, or else it’s the time during the march to grab them quick.

See how good to you I am to you in your search for relationship bliss?

--
Allan

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

You know how some men boast about how good a lover they are? I wouldn't do that.

Well, not much.

OK, a little.

Hey, look, I’m a brilliant lover.

One lady once told me: "You sure know how to press my buttons".

Always eager to learn new sexual techniques, I went looking for buttons on the next lady but didn't find them. So I just went back to erogenous zones, instead. Second best, maybe, but it seems to work.

I try hard at foreplay because I have to make the most of it. After all, physically, I’m not all that exciting. Women tell me I have a nice butt, but keeping one’s butt facing the lady while making love involve such bodily contortions. And my body isn’t as supple as it once was. Especially when I’m excited.

I have to admit that, at 57 years of age, time has taken its toll on my body. I no longer have hair on the tippy top of my head. Even my chest hairs have slipped. About a foot or so down my body. And they’ve gone all curly. Must be the vitamins I take.

It can’t be the Viagra. That straightens things out

Anyway, me mate says to stop worrying about my hair. He says that I'm concentrating on the wrong kind of growth when it comes to attracting women. Instead, he's told me to take a different kind of vitamin. I think he called it a Viagra vitamin.

I'm not sure what that's going to do to my chest hair, though.