You know how some men boast about how good a lover they are? I wouldn't do that.

Well, not much.

OK, a little.

Hey, look, I’m a brilliant lover.

One lady once told me: "You sure know how to press my buttons".

Always eager to learn new sexual techniques, I went looking for buttons on the next lady but didn't find them. So I just went back to erogenous zones, instead. Second best, maybe, but it seems to work.

I try hard at foreplay because I have to make the most of it. After all, physically, I’m not all that exciting. Women tell me I have a nice butt, but keeping one’s butt facing the lady while making love involve such bodily contortions. And my body isn’t as supple as it once was. Especially when I’m excited.

I have to admit that, at 57 years of age, time has taken its toll on my body. I no longer have hair on the tippy top of my head. Even my chest hairs have slipped. About a foot or so down my body. And they’ve gone all curly. Must be the vitamins I take.

It can’t be the Viagra. That straightens things out

Anyway, me mate says to stop worrying about my hair. He says that I'm concentrating on the wrong kind of growth when it comes to attracting women. Instead, he's told me to take a different kind of vitamin. I think he called it a Viagra vitamin.

I'm not sure what that's going to do to my chest hair, though.