When I get bored, I entertain myself by going onto a dating site and sending funny introductory messages to appropriate-looking women on the site.

Usually you don’t get any reply. Sometimes they get all nasty because the sensitive things think that you are poking fun at them. ~sigh~

Sometimes you get a reply and you can make some great friends.

Sometimes it gets downright strange.

I came upon a profile for a lady who, in the space for what she wanted in the way of a man, wrote:
“No bullies, no red-necks, no right-wingers.
Apparently you don't exist, so I shall leave this space in peace.
Feel free to sit for a while and meditate.”


I couldn’t resist that. So I sent her a message:
“Ahem...

I've finished meditating. Now what do I do?

Geez, I've always loved forceful women. Especially when they are someone else's girlfriend.

Your profile was ... er .... unusual. So I just couldn't resist sending you a message.

Oh, and the "Block" button is the third line down..”

--
Allan


That’s when the fun started. Because she actually replied:
"Hi there,

Thanks for contacting me. Accidentally I deleted your letter, because it was hidden in amongst the junk mail, and I was in a mood for a clean-out of my inbox, so I don't recall what you said, but I'm sure it wasn't as mindless as the usual approach.

I no longer dare to imagine there is any soul mate out there in the ether for me, but am always delighted to encounter a kindred spirit or even an articulate stranger. Hope you are having a good day.

cheers

--
Kate


I couldn’t resist that! I replied:

"Darlink, have faith. There is a soul mate out there for you.

He’s probably just hiding.

Of course, he may be a sole mate rather than a soul mate in that he wears your shoes … and your knickers, bras, short skirts and anything else he can fit into while cross-dressing.

However, itwais a not a good start that you deleted my email. I spent ages writing that. Well, at least 30 minutes. Would you go for 15? OK 10. Alright, I just dashed it off hoping that it was enough to make you laugh and hit the Reply To The Message button. I succeeded!

My next task of course, should I decide to accept it, is to get you to write again. Geez, this dating site stuff is really hard, you know!

Now what can I tell you about myself to make you decide that I’m so scrumptious you just have to come out and pretend to have a coffee with me, all the while staring rapt into my blue eyes.

Maybe I should tell you that I’ve won Lotto? But, while that would be a great way, its not true. ~sigh~

Maybe I should say that I am a lovely guy, fun to be with, and a great lover? Nah, you’d want references. ~sigh~

Geez, this is all very difficult.

I know, go to my website at http://www.capitalletters.co.nz That way you are sure to be astonished at how creative I am and want to meet this man to watch him drink his Earl Grey tea out of the saucer.

Or you could just email me back with some scintillating news from your no-doubt-exciting life. Yeah, that’s a better idea! I await your reply with excitement.

--
Allan

Then things got really weird. She wrote:
Reply To Your Message
Hi, thanks for your message, this is my standard reply to intelligent, cultured people who are not of the far right political persuasion. Anyone else gets a more pithy (but still polite) response including the advice to: "go back and read the profile"!

Very nice to hear from you. You sound like my sort of person, and since you have contacted me clearly you think there might be a chance we could be kindred spirits, but I better say right now I'm only looking for friendship at this stage.

I'm getting rather tired of men here wanting to escalate into a big romance within a few hours of first starting to email each other on this site.

There's a tempting fantasy dynamic here on the online dating world, and if we buy into that, such unreasonable expectations tend to kill the possibility of any sort of amiable acquaintance developing.
I have a photo but I don't share it until I'm comfortable with how our conversation is going. Sorry but that is my strict rule, born of some experience of revealing personal details before establishing I'm dealing with someone trustworthy. The conmen and tricksters on here are very very clever, so please don't take my caution as a personal insult. The lack of a photograph and immediate supply of identity details apparently outrages some men, so it is also useful in helping me weed out the ones who are only seeking sexual relationships. Anyone genuinely interested in a friendly interaction will be willing to wait to see my face, as they'll be engaging with my intellect, and if they can't do that there is no hope of any other sort of relationship developing as I believe attraction is firstly a cerebral thing.

If I find someone who seems compatible as a friend I exchange photos and then would talk on the phone before arranging to meet in person for a coffee. That would be rare but does happen and I have friends I have met here, and I did have a more serious relationship once too.

Sorry to be so heavy on my first message to you. I don't want to waste your time or mine.

All the very best to you in finding your hearts desire, and if you wish to chat further, please feel free to message back.

I don't live in Wellington, I'm just here for the arts festival.

Cheers

--
Kate



Hey, who could resist that?! So I replied:
"Good God, darlink, that pre-recorded first message is enough to make a guy don his fireproof suit, sharpen his sword and hang his trusty crucifix around his neck in anticipation of bearding the dragon in her lair!

And the insults! Me, cultured? You think I'm growing moss or something? I do not live in a test tube. I live in a (rather cluttered) two bedroom flat that is also my office and entertainment centre (Now, now! I meant entertainment as in watching movies on DVDs ... although I like the idea of the other!)

As for kindred spirits, I don't drink 'em. I'm a problem enough when I'm sober.

Whatcha mean, you're only looking for friendships at this stage? Huh. When you get to know me and throw yourself at my feet in passionate lust, I'm gonna remind you of that! And then walk away with the nearest blonde. Of course, depending on which wig you are wearing, that may be you, but...

And you have a photo but you won't reveal it until you've got to know me? Huh, I know what is going on here! I was reading in the paper today that Catherine Zeta Jones worked anonymously as a chef recently while studying for her next part. I'll bet you're Dolly Parton. Or maybe Marilyn Munroe isn't dead!

Yep. You’re probably Marilyn Munroe. I mean, the neuroses seem to be about the same.

I mean, me a con man? Or, if it comes to that, me, clever?

Well, look, I'm sure that I can manage to talk to you without going insane from wanting to (a) see what you look like (b) take you out for a coffee or (c) make mad passionate love to you (somehow I think the latter may involve signing a five page disclaimer, anyway). No problem to me. I mean, it gives me time to do (a), (b), and (c) with all the hundreds of other women on the site who are not so repellent of my charms.

So let's start off this conversation with a lovely discussion of the arts. I've been hearing a lot about lap dancing recently. Did it eventuate from Lappland? Is that the one they do with Poles?

Hey, I love these intellectual conversations.

--
Allan


I awaited any reply with interest.

I’m still waiting….