Earthlings untie ... er ... unite

I’ve just received an email from Jodie, an American friend of mine.

Now, I know some people myopically don't like Americans, period, but I’m quite fond of many Americans.

I like the way they do weird things like carry out research that shows that 40% of American woman have thrown footwear at a man. (Does this explain why American women like shoes with sharp stiletto heels?). And that 90% of Americans believe in divine retribution (although nearly half the female population will try to exact their own via airborne shoes) while 82% believe in the afterlife (this can be used to explain airborne shoes).

The plaintive email I received from my friend, obviously sent out in bulk to this lady’s many acquaintances, was a comment by an American commentator that said:
“ I am sorry but after hearing they want to sing the National Anthem in Spanish -- enough is enough.”

I found this astonishing! Americans still fervently sing their national anthem?! What *are* they?!

Here in New Zealand we don’t do that sort of thing. Over time, we’ve substituted for the embarrassing ordeal of singing the national anthem, the performance of the Kiwi version of line dancing - the haka. But even this is under review since the latest haka done by rugby players has them pulling their fingers across their throat in a throat-cutting gesture.

I really can't see this haka gaining wide acceptance. While sometimes appropriate, it simply wouldn't be politically correct at events such as parent/teacher meetings.

Americans sing their national anthem?! Can you picture a crowd of Kiwi rugby enthusiasts singing the New Zealand national anthem?! The result could only be rude.

I mean, the words are sure to be subverted to something like
“God of Nations with smelly feet,
Isn’t bondage love so sweet,
Feed our vices, we entreat,
God defend our free love.”

But the Yanks stand like a lot of pussies at public events and *sing* their song! Geez, the last time I did anything like that was at primary school when everyone had to stand and sing "Mary had a little lamb."

Which reminds me, I never did find out if Mary had a ram or a ewe, whether she milked it (note I didn't say wether she milked it), shore it, or was just raising it for Christmas dinner. Us country boys like to learn the technical facts, you know...

But as much as I like Americans, they can be darn confusing to non-Americans. I once met an English guy who told me how an American prostitute had really confused him.

"We went upstairs," he said, "and had a bit of old narsty, and she looked up at me and said, 'Are you through?'”

Then again, the Yanks and the English, despite Prime Minister Blair’s every good intention, still rub each other up the wrong. To insert into the writing some rare social commentary on my part, I must say that it is the Englishman's authority position, as arbiter of elegance, speech, literature, etc., that makes him so awesome to certain Americans and so infuriating to others. The American immediately senses in the Englishman’s habits the notion of superiority, though he is seldom able to see, in his own opposite habits of flamboyance and overstatement, an anxious uncertainty as to whether he might not actually be inferior.

And things are not helped by events like the time an American was drunk on a train in Britain. The drunken Yank scandalised the passengers in the compartment by picking his nose, scraping the fur off his tongue and putting it under the seat, reaching into his fly and elaborately adjusting his genitals, etc.

For a while an Englishman watched him coldly from the seat facing, before finally saying, "Do you suppose, old chap, that you could conclude the entertainment with a rousing good fart?"

Of course, I’ve learnt that there are some things you never remind Americans about. One is Cuba. Americans get awful upset if you tell them that not far from their shores lives the longest reigning dictator in power currently, if you don't count Martha Stewart.

President Bush, who recently had a health check up and is pleased it showed that he didn’t have any venereal diseases caught from sitting in Clinton’s chair, is now threatening to invade Cuba. It seems that he’s just discovered that Cuban schools have some of the best mathematics teachers in the world. So he now has an excuse to invade - Cuba has weapons of maths instruction.

Ah, poor old George Bush. Every year is a little harder for him, thanks to Viagra.

But for all their differences, Americans are the same as everyone else.

For example, like every other woman, an American woman also never knows where to look when eating a banana.

And every American guy has also, at some stage while taking a pee, had the urinal flush half way through and then raced against the flush.

And we’ve all had an uncle who tried to steal our nose.

Ah yes, it’s a small world.

--
Allan