Films, foibles, and fantasies

(Sent to a few lady friends)

Hey, it’s going to fine weather all next week! Darlink, my heart bleeds for you, stuck inside at a desk all day. It must be terrible to have a boss so adept with superglue.

Ah well, this weekend you can enjoy all the sunshine and get an all-over-tan. OK, just a mild shading on the few bits of skin you dare expose to the winter sun.

Me, I'm stuck inside finishing the revision of my 1996 kid's book on Western Samoa.

Whoops! On Samoa. They changed the name of their country from Western Samoa to just Samoa in 1997, much to the chagrin of their American Samoa neighbours.

I was so taken with one quote I found while researching the revision that I just had to use it in this edition: "Someone once said that if relaxation was an Olympic games sport, Samoa is where you would go to train."

Anyway, I have now put that book to bed (hey, I don’t have any kids to put to bed and you are so far away...) so I will now start on my book on Sir Peter Blake. Ah well, at least he won't object to anything I write about him. And the kids will just love the fact that he was murdered by pirates. Of course, I can think of better ways of pleasing kids, but ...

Tonight I might well watch a film on DVD. I started to watch a Woody Allen film last night called “Scenes From A Mall”. I have to say that, as a comedy, it was about as funny and enjoyable as shopping at a mall. I could do better.

Indeed, I might just give that a go. With modern technology being what it is, and Peter Jackson's investment in film production in New Zealand, the country is all set up to take great advantage of the forthcoming trend to downloaded entertainment. I was reading the other day that the experts reckon that there is going to be an increased cash flow of billions of US dollars in the downloaded entertainment field in the next decade. Now, I'm not greedy. A mere million or two would be fine for me.

And that doesn’t count the fact that New Zealand is going to digital TV and the TV companies will be looking for content for their many digital channels.

So I'm going to get my little camera out and start taking little movies of my exciting life. Then I'll turn it into a film. Hey, I've just written a book on Peter Jackson. He has proved that horror comedies can sell.

--
Allan


And in reply to an email I got from sending this out…

Rachel sweetie.

You want to star in the horror comedy I’m making of my life?!

Darling, I’m sorry to say, but that is impossible. In order to do that, you and your terrible tyke would have to come up here and be a big part in my life or vice versa.

As it is, separated as we are by the Cook Strait and several million grass grub munching the South Island’s pasture, you can only have a bit part.

What do you mean, which bit? Well, with the distance between us, it certainly wouldn’t be my best bit!

But look on the bright side. You are freed of the threat of being flashed by paparazzi … or even me. And you can walk out of the bathroom wearing little more than underarm deodorant without worrying whether I will be waiting there to film the adult scenes of my movie.

Besides, life as a film star is just so tough. I mean, if you deprived your son of his television for disciplinary purposes, you’d be sure to be portrayed as an out-of-control freak in at least two tabloid newspapers. And if your G-string slipped into an uncomfortable region and you were photographed pulling it back into place, I hate to think what the tabloids would say!

So, unknown as you are, you are free to have a battle of wits with your son - even though he is unarmed - with no concerns except for the thought that what you think is latent rheumatism may be him and his mates experimenting with a voodoo doll.

However, when you want to become truly famous, just let me know and I will grab my camera and catch the next aeroplane down to see you. You do have an electric blanket on your bed, don’t you?

--
Allan