I feel that I must warn you of a matter of great concern for the people of New Zealand. Indeed, for the citizens of the world.

Electricity generating wind farms are going to cause an ecological disaster.

We all know that propellers make things go along, as is evidenced by propellers on boats and aeroplanes. So it logically follows that all the propellers on wind farm turbines are pushing the Pacific Plate ever faster across the surface of the Earth. Soon Easter Island will be a suburb of Wellington and the people of Hastings will be digging their toes into the beaches of Rio De Janeiro. Auckland, of course, may inherit the US problem of illegal immigrants from Mexico.

Furthermore, with the ever-increasing number of wind farms in New Zealand, the movement of the earth’s crust can only be speeding up, as is evidence by the number of volcanic eruptions that are occurring, since these eruptions are the equivalent of the bow wave of the moving Earth’s crust.

Here we are worrying about tsunamis when we really should have people on the beaches to give us warning before the country crashes into islands.

And it’s going to play hell with road speed enforcement. If the country is moving at 100kph, is a driver whose speedometer reads 100kmh actually doing 200kmh? Or, if he’s driving the other way, is he actually not moving? Will we have to introduce a system where, while you get a ticket travelling one way, you get a credit cancelling it when you are coming home? Life is going to get very complicated.

So it is with a glad heart that I see the people of Makora in Wellington are trying to stop the building of a wind farm in their area. Admittedly, their objections are based on misplaced concerns about noise and visual ugliness, but these are a mere trifle compared with the true danger of these infernal machines.

While I know that windfarms are an important source of revenue for electrical generation companies, we can’t have the Earth’s crust water skiing over the planet’s molten interior. So we have to do something.

After considerable thought I believe I have the solution.

The propellers on the Palmerston North wind farm are pointed towards the west, so the movement of the Earth’s crust will be to the East. The logical thing, therefore, is to ensure that all the wind turbines at Makara point to the West to counter the movement created in Palmerston North. And, just to be safe, the turbines should be mounted upside down.

Isn’t it marvellous how the intellectual hothouse of New Zealand society allows vital discoveries like this come to the forefront and save our planet?

Thank you.