I was talking to a lady recently who, in an attempt to make her life jollier, bought herself a ring. Unfortunately, she didn’t tell me where she was going to wear it. I mean, it could be worn almost anywhere these days. There is a middle-aged lady at the video shop I go to who wears one through her lips. I just hope she never kisses anyone with braces.

Some women wear a ring through the nose. No bull!

Others wear them through the navel. I have a theory about that but since it is a bit … er … naughty, I won’t go there.

And some women wear them even further down! I’ve always thought that, in this case, if the guy has a Prince Albert, there’d surely be sparks when they made love!

Hopefully my lady friend is going to wear her ring on her finger. But which finger? Indeed, on which hand?

If she is truly wicked, she’ll wear it on her right hand. That way, when the lack of it on her left hand encourages a man to make advances, should he go too far and she slaps him with her right hand, the ring will leave a lasting reminder that he was naughty. After all, they say that diamonds make an impression.

And I can only commend her on her other self-bought birthday present – a water blaster. These have such a multitude of uses. As well as the more common uses, they are great for keeping the kids in check, and, since hers also has a low power option, she could use it like one of those water jets a dentist uses to clean one's teeth. Plus, she coud make the water stream half water, half whisky and *really* enjoy the experience.

I suggested to her, however, that she doesn’t use it to wash the cat unless her sons have some cricket pads she can wear in the process. Also, there is the added danger that she may accidentally use the full power squirt. This, I have been told, tends to leave the average tabby looking like a Siamese. And be about as rowdy for a short period of time.

You know, with all this good advice that I give, I should write "The Bachelor's Guide To Everything Females Make So Complicated". I can see I’m going to have to put that on my To Do list…

--
Allan