As I sit here, my gourmet Watties snack meal is being microwaved into a unique concoction of overcooked rice and undercooked chicken as I write.

Next I have to cook some Watties frozen veges in a microwave-safe container.

(If you have microwave safe containers, you must have microwave unsafe containers. So what is a microwave unsafe container? Is it a container that, when hit by microwaves, jumps up and attacks the microwave? All these technical things are enough to give a guy a headache.)

Then I will have before me a superb meal guaranteed to keep at bay the hunger pains (if not the heartburn pains) at least until supper time.

As a writer, I am always on the lookout for ideas for new books and I've just remembered that recipe books are always a good seller. Hey, I could write the "Bachelor's Guide To Living On Instant Meals".

This has possibilities! It would include
Chapter One - How To Keep Your Instant Meals In Best Condition.
This chapter would contain the major tip that the bachelor shouldn't call into the pub and leave the frozen meal in the car with the dog on a hot day.

Chapter Two - How To Store The Instant Meal.
This chapter will contain all the usual hints and tips about storing frozen food, with a special emphasis on the fact that, if you put the frozen meal into another container, label it clearly, especially if you keep frozen fish bait in your freezer.

Chpater Three - Getting Your Instant Meal Ready For Cooking.
This chapter will talk about ways to open those darn boxes without having to resort to the chainsaw - a crosscut saw is quite adequate - and, of course, the need to wear gloves when transporting the frozen meal from the freezer to the microwave. This means that your hands don't get cold, causing you to drop the frozen meal on your foot and ruining your chances of playing touch rugby on the weekend. Or doing any activity involving the missionary position, if that's your weekend game.

Chapter Four - How To Cook The Meal
This chapter will deal with the art of using a plastic pellet pistol or a sucker dart to press the buttons and program the microwave (cooking should be fun), and how to tell the wattage of the microwave. (The latter includes instruction on how to remove the cover and inspect the thermal magnetic adjuster ray since most bachelors won't remember where they left the microwave handbook.)

Chapter Five - How To Tell When The Meal Is Cooked.
Most people believe that the microwave's beep, beep, beep is the sign that the meal is cooked. This is only an approximate indication at best. I recommend that the food be scanned for indicative gamma ray activity with a sensitive Geiger counter so that the instant meal chef can be absolutely sure that the meal is cooked.

Chapter Six - Removing The Meal From The Plastic Tray.
Anyone who has cooked an instant meal knows the problems of trying to get the meal out of its plastic container and onto the plate in a vaguely appetising mass. For example, any meal with rice in it will have the meal curl over as it comes out of the container. Thus, the tiny portion of butter chicken and artificial sauce that was dripped onto the rice in the factory will be covered by a unshapely blob of lumpy rice.
So chapter six will have detailed instructions on how to use the pruning shears (why they are always where the scissors are supposed to be kept, I'll never know) to cut the end off the plastic meal container. Then there will detailed instructions on how to use the screwdriver attachment on one's Swiss Army knife to slide the meal onto the plate.

Chapter Seven – Eating The Meal
While this is all relatively self-explanatory, there will be a detailed chart included that shows which attachment on your Swiss Army knife you should use to pick your teeth, depending upon what sort of instant meal you have just consumed. This is important because, if you get it wrong at home, you’re just as likely to embarrass yourself by getting it wrong while eating at the pub.

Chapter Eight – Cleaning Up
This chapter details the various options the bachelor has when dealing with the dirty dishes. Do you (a) ruin your hands doing the dishes, (b) just break the dishes and put them in the waste bin, or (c) do you put them in the dish washer? In the latter case, too many bachelors forget to disable the spin cycle and end up doing (b) anyway.

Look at that! The outline of a best seller. This man is a pure genius. He only has to cook an instant meal and opportunities for literary greatness spread out before him!